Splatter Farm (1987) Online

I'll admit - in pretty much every conceivable way, SPLATER FARM pretty much sucks dick. The acting is horrible, the gore is very amateurish, the technical aspects of the film (camera-work, lighting, editing, etc...) are non-existent - but to me, this is one of those films where the whole is MUCH better than the sum of it's parts.

The plot revolves around twin brothers (who look like half-retarded Ralph Macchio look-alikes) who are on their way to their aunt's house for vacation. She's an old-bag that has a thing for one of the twins, which is alluded to from the get-go. She has a boy that she keeps around to do the work on the farm, and who also brings people into the barn to hack up and masturbate with their body parts. The twins notice something amiss with the farm-worker (even without seeing him jacking-off with severed arms and whatnot...) and they begin to suspect that something is up...

There's so much wrong with SPLATTER FARM that I don't even know where to begin. Where it makes up for it's insane ineptitude, is in the fact that it really is quite funny, and a bit more original and thought-out than what the $7 budget would dictate. The gore scenes, though cheap, are effective for the most part, and there are a few truly decent "gross-out" moments (anal-fisting, anyone?). The storyline even has an effective "twist" in the plot that actually works. The dialog is stupid but often hilarious and I just got caught up in the super-cheap vibe of the film. It actually reminded me a bit of Jorg Buttgereit's NEKROMANTIK (in terms of style, not content) but without any of J.B.'s artistry. A very strange little film - I'd suggest it to those that dig low-budget splatter. Lord knows I've seen worse by more (supposedly) "talented" directors. Just watch SPLATTER FARM and then anything by Andreas Schnaas back-to-back and I think you'll see what I mean...8.5/10

I'll skip the analysis and get right to the important stuff. Here are some of the scenes included in the 1987 no-budget home video classic "Splatter Farm." (1) A 19 year old boy having sex with a 65 year old woman. (2) A man crapping out a knife. (3) A boy performing fellatio on himself with a severed head. (4)gay rape. (5) the human consumption of feces. Need I say more? The only thing that limits this movie from being the most shocking of all time is it's lousy direction and film stock. Granted, the ideas are nothing short of nauseatingly disgusting, however they just don't look real, which is obviously the result of an extremely low budget. Bottom line: Cheap White Trash Gore at it's best. Just rent it....when you're drunk perhaps. Have a good laugh, or vomit.

I have been watching obscure horror movies for years and years. I have seen many of the unknown classics, like WOODCHIPPER MASSACRE, BLOODBATH IN PSYCHO TOWN, and HORROR HOUSE ON HIGHWAY FIVE. But NO movie--no matter how crazy, no matter how sick, or no matter how deranged--could've possibly prepared me for the Polonia Brothers' SPLATTER FARM.

Take it from me: you have never seen anything like this movie, and you never ever will. No other production could possibly be more nauseating, more shocking, and more badly-produced than this one. Also, no other production could possibly be cheaper, as SPLATTER FARM has absolutely NO budget (And when I say "no budget", I mean just that... Not $20000, not $1000, not even $200... But ZERO DOLLARS!).

So what exactly is this home-made, shot-on-video masterpiece about? Well, it's hard to say exactly, but I'll give it a go: teenage twins Joseph and Alan go to stay with their lonely (and really, really old) Aunt Lacy, who aside from having necrophilic tendencies with her deceased husband, lusts after her nephew Alan. During their visit, they notice their Aunt's perverted homosexual groundskeeper (Jeremy, played brilliantly by Todd Rimatti) has been exhibiting some rather strange behavior. It seems Jeremy has a bad habit of killing the townsfolk, dismembering them, and storing their body parts in his barn to use for sexual gratification later on. The boys are unable to get ahold of anybody on the outside, and now feel that their lives are in danger, so they begin to take charge of the situation. And that's when it really, REALLLLLY gets ugly.

Does it sound f'ed up? Well, lemme tell ya: I can't even BEGIN to emphasize just how f'ed up this movie is, and just how sickeningly far it goes. In fact, I was so awestruck by this little feature that I soon grew an unhealthy obsession with it. I did as much research as I could on this little obscurity and gathered up every scrap of information I could find. But, for the most part, its production, its actors, and how it somehow got made and distributed in the first place are still a nagging enigma to me. I have watched it several times with numerous people, all of whom were speechless and appalled as the story unfolded. One of my friends, Paul, has also fallen in mad love with SPLATTER FARM and has written a review on this web site as well. Because of this movie I have developed a deep appreciation for the Polonia Brothers and their many bizarre films. I would love to meet them some day, for I am sure they are the sole reason I exist.

PLEASE SEEK OUT AND WATCH THIS MOVIE. You might not like it (in fact, I'm pretty sure you won't), but you WILL be entertained by it, and it will indeed shock the living hell out of you. And, as I stated earlier, you will never see anything like it for the rest of your meaningless, pitiful existence. Trust me.

I read the first review, and I agree - total home movie. Decent first amateur effort but GOD what bad acting (and I LOVE bad horror/monster movies). If you go into this movie knowing that it's a home movie, you'll be impressed; but if you go in thinking that it's a "studio" movie (like I did and most people probably do), you'll be disappointed from the very first scene. Amateur special effects, amateur "scary" music, bad lighting, HORRIBLE amateur acting (especially by the old woman)...but it ventures into a ton of "taboo" subjects (incest, gay oral sex, using a severed arm/hand to masturbate and a severed head to perform fellatio, rape, anal fisting and ingesting the results, etc.). The ironic thing is, there's an interesting plot twist revealed at the very end that is pretty mature for a home movie.

See if it you can find it free/cheap, but go in knowing that this is a home movie.

Splatter Farm! SPLATTER FARM! Sometimes I see a work of art that just makes me withdraw to reassess my life and the meaning of art. Splatter Farm (SPLATTER FARM!!!) is not really one of them, but it's sort of close. It is the first and only shot-on-video homemade horror film I have seen.

Splatter Farm was shot by two teenagers, the Polonia Brothers, who eventually became producers and directors of independent low-budget cult horrors. I wonder how this movie, SPLATTER FARM, ever got distributed, and how it fell into my hands. How? It is about these two kids who-- Wait, no, before I tell you what it's about, I have to tell you what it looks like. The first thing you think when you watch this thing, this "Splatter Farm" is "huh?" This is a home-video. It was shot on a camcorder. It looks like the tapes of your cousin's birthday party from way back when. It doesn't look this way as a stylistic technique-- it looks this way because that's what it is. You see this old house in the country. You see a cat out in a regular yard, not doing anything. You see a kid with an axe, standing over a stuffed dummy... and he begins swinging that axe right onto that stuffed dummy in a manner that indicated this kid, this "actor" has never swung an axe before, and the stuffed dummy begins leaking some red syrup. SPLATTER FARM! A toy keyboard provides the soundtrack, but it's not supposed to sound funny. Splatter Farm. I've never watched a movie like this before.

Regaring the "story," it is something like: these two teenagers (the Polonia Brothers) are going to spend the summer vacation with their aunt on her farm-- her Splatter Farm... with the other kid from the opening sequence, that one with the axe (he lives in the barn and does chores). The setting is realistic and grimy because it is a real, old house in the country. Throughout the course of the movie you'll see a mustached teen grunting on a toilet, then excretes a stream of blood and a butcher's knife into the toilet, and he gets up, drooling blood and pulls his underwear up over his mutilated groin (it was just a dream), the aunt constantly hitting on the boys, finally giving one of them a roofie and raping him (which is depicted as someone hopping up and down underneath some blankets on a bed), ol' crazy boy gets ahold of one the brothers and gives him the ol' Splatter Farm with a pitchfork (SPLATTER FARM!), performs fellatio on him, drools out the guy's semen, turns him around, fists him (not explicitly shown) to pull out a handful of pudding (supposed to be feces), licks it then rubs it in his victims face, before sending him up to the great Splatter Farm in the sky. It also contains a scene of a decapitated head being used for self-fellatio before "Haute Tension" made it chic. Oh, and the boys' aunt is also a necrophiliac (with a nicely decomposed corpse wearing pants into which she reaches and sadly pulls out fear in a handful of dust), and then there's a twist regarding incest (again) at the end. The boy who plays the bad killer of SPLATTER FARM actually menaces me, yet he needed to learn how to properly swing an axe. The final scene of him, after murdering everyone, (don't worry about me spoiling the ending, you don't care about the plot when you watch something like this) frolicking and dancing gaily in the field is touching like Mabel reenacting the Death of a Swan in Cassavete's "A Woman Under the Influence." Not really. Everything in this movie (SPLATTER FARM) looks fake, yet, the fact that these boys put their imagination into doing this, it disturbs me.

The acting is great, and by great I mean not so great, and by not so great I mean SPLATTER FARM!!!! The people recite their lines as though they were just told what to say before every shot without knowing anything about the movie (they probably wouldn't want to know anyway) (because the movie is Splatter Farm.... SPLATTER FARM!). I don't... you know... I... This looks like the kind of movie my buddies and I would make in high school, for fun... except our themes weren't so sickening.

In a way, I want to recommend this to everyone, because it shows a totally different side of homemade film-making that many are not familiar with (I wasn't). And the camera angles, cutting, editing, everything, kinda shows conventions at their most stripped-down and basic... if you see it in this naked light then you can kind of recognize it better when you see it done professionally (check out the strange shot of an oven being lit). I suppose it contains some interesting comments on youthful film making.

I bought this used for a dollar from a rental store in a very small Midwestern town. The tape had been stopped and queued about 25% through into movie, indicating that the last person to have rented this probably could not get through this strange video. I would love to have seen that person's reaction. I believe this film is now available on DVD from its distributor's website.

Rating: "Splatter Farm" out of "Splatter Farm" SPLATTER FARM!!!!!!

First off.. let me state. I am a fan of cheesy horror movies... I have made many "home movie" type videos with friends. So... to me this was a fun ride... At times I could not really pick out what was so stimulating about it though. The acting is beyond horrible (but amusingly humorous), the effects are .. well... to tell the truth I have seen worse... somehow the movie was able to keep my interest, but I cannot say it was an extremely fast paced ride. This film is bizarre in this respect.. I have become harder and harder to entertain, but this movie.. well... kept me entertained... I think it does what most "low budget" / "no budget" movies should do. It understood that it did not have to fill a 90 to 120 minute time slot in order to be considered a film. Most movies in this category feel they must stretch the story out so thin that you could see through it or at least beg for it to be over... At about 75 minutes in length it was not too bad... To me as I ponder my interest in this movie, I think it may be the fact it readily appears as a "home video" and because of that aspect, lends itself to an almost voyeuristic quality while viewing... there are some sick things that go on through this movie and I believe the timing of these events must be perfect.

When one goes to see your regular, run-of-the-mill movie in theatres or on video, it can be expected that it wll be sanitized for our protection. Whether it be censors or nervous movie studios, it'll be tame and boring. With the excellent "Splatter Farm," however, everything is home-made video delight and anything is possible. So I say, seek this movie out and enjoy its unpredictability!

Splatter Farm is a great film...if you are deaf and blind. This is most assuredly the most retarded film ever to be distributed with box art. We're talking production values lower than an extra value meal here, kids. Necrophilia, strange homosexual rape, and incest are not punchlines when you take them as seriously as the makers of this film. If Deliverance had been made by autistic baboons, it would be better than this. If I could have, I would have rated this movie lower than a 1, only a little nub of the first star would have been lit up. 1/10.

One of the strangest man-made laws of film collecting is that extremely rare and impossible to locate movies immediately become cult classics. No one seems to realise that the reason that most of these flicks have vanished in the first place is because they were so jaw-smashingly rubbish that they didn't shift first time around. It would take a pretty stupid filmmaker to recall and stop producing any feature that was flying of the shelves, wouldn't it? Titles like Hauntedween, Night Ripper and Don't go in the woods (especially Don't go in the Woods) are without a doubt a total waste of celluloid. But they still sell on ebay for prices that range from $50 – to as much as a staggering $120 a pop, just because they've become as rare as a teddy boy's quiff. Judging by the posts and wanted lists that I've noticed scattered around on websites, Splatter Farm is among that number of missing obscurities that has inexplicably gained an undeserved following. I already own a copy of this pretty diabolical feature and can tell you right now that it certainly WON'T be getting a decent DVD release. Here are the reasons why…

The story concerns two nameless and identically goofy-looking brothers who head out to the sticks for a vacation at their Auntie's secluded farm. Mrs. Lacy is an old coot who keeps telling herself that's she's incredibly lonely since her old man was the victim of an unfortunate 'accident' (an axe to the head!). Her only company on the green grass of home is Jeremy, the handyman who lives in a barn. Unbeknownst to pinkie and perky (the two numbskull siblings), Jeremy is a raving cannibalistic maniac with a taste for necrophilia too. In the first scene alone he's shown dismembering a patently unrealistic corpse, which looks to be made from paper mache. Before long the two nerds are stranded on the farm and have to fight off their auntie's sexual advances and Jeremy's murderous habits…

How on earth this has become a cult classic is a mystery that's just beyond my wildest imagination. Ollie Kendall's Houseboat Horror achieved a similar kind of feat when that too took a one-way vacation into obscurity. But Kendall's admittedly poor splatter cheese fest looks comparable to Oliver Stone's JFK when levelled up against this dire mess. Splatter Farm isn't just stark ragingly bad; it's as humiliating for the buyer as it must have been for the people that were involved with the production. Now I know it's nothing to boast about, but as you can see from my review list I can safely say that I know more than most about slasher movies. I've seen them all, from the good (The Prowler/Intruder) to the bad (Last Slumber Party/New York Centre Fold Massacre). Well P.Alan's addition to the cycle is neither good nor bad - it's just ugly, and it doesn't even manage to get the basics right.

The first thing that you should know is that this was not even shot on a reasonable format. It's just your average everyday camcorder recording, which makes SOV flicks look like maxivision 48 cinema prints in comparison. The sound is no less than pathetic; and because this was shot only on a camcorder, the Casio keyboard-type score cannot be played at the same time as the dialogue. There's no boom mike available, so the tinny microphone picks up everything other than what you want it to properly and Ray Charles must have edited the whole thing whilst counting sheep. Yes there are gallons and gallons of gore and scenes that could get the movie banned even in Amsterdam, but it's so damn fake and poorly handled that it makes Violent Sh*t look like Tom Savini's finest hour in comparison. I won't mention the performances because basically there aren't enough slanderous words in the dictionary to do them justice. Besides, apparently you can't write swear words on the IMDb, which would leave me unable to give you a full description of the block-like cast members.

I want to say that I'm not trying to slander P. Alan's attempt to make his first movie. I think it's great that anyone with a camcorder can grab a few mates and try to do something creative with their spare time. All I'm trying to do is stop the numerous fans paying rip-off prices for a film that just won't deliver what you expect it to. It's certainly a twisted beast with hilarious necrophilia sex scenes that you won't see anywhere else. But like I said, chances are you could pick up a camcorder and make a movie of similar quality with just a couple of your mates and a gallon of corn syrup.

I really didn't enjoy Splatter Farm and I reckon that the only fun to be had is hunting down a copy in the first place. If you do manage to find a version available somewhere, then don't spend too much of your hard earned cash, because I'm telling you it's just not worth it. If you're looking for gratuitous gore and shock tactics then try and find an uncut copy of Giallo a Venice or The Grim Reaper instead.

This shot on video classic has it all. Twin brothers, corpses, incest, gore, horse mutilation, knives in toilets, a full frontal nude man being buried in the dirt, fart jokes, kids choking on poison, fisting, and tons of other fun stuff. Highly recommended if you can find it. It's brilliant right down to the ending credits which continue to play the film's score even after the credits are over. A ground-breaker.

Two twin brothers are off to spend the summer at the farm owned by their Aunt Lacy,who enjoys incest. Also staying at the farm is Lacy's helper named Jeremy.Despite being obvious,the twins seem oblivious to the fact that Jeremy is their cousin.This obviously disturbed kid enjoys butchering men and using their various body parts including severed heads to masturbate."Splatter Farm" is a zero-budget film.The acting is hideous apart from the actor who played Jeremy.However the gore effects are nasty and surprisingly accomplished,the atmosphere reeks of decay and few taboos are broken including necrophilia,child murder,coprophillia,animal butchery and incest.I'm not a fan of later Polonia Brothers juvenile low-budget atrocities,but I kind of enjoyed "Splatter Farm".

This movie clearly demonstrates why people shouldn't give other people their home-made movies.

The story, what little you can find of it, is that 2 twin brothers go to visit their aunt Lacy at her farm. The place is supposedly being kept in shape by Jeremy, but he's kinda busy killing people and using their corpses for sexual gratification. The twins begin finding body parts and grow weary of Jeremy. On top of this, Lucy has been alone too long and now finds herself lusting for one of her nephews. Eventually the twins decide enough's enough and try to get away. There's plenty of sick stuff going on, but the rest of the movie is so annoying, you'd be hard-pressed to even notice.

To my amazement, I actually found something not that bad in this movie. The guy playing Jeremy looked truly freakish and was doing a fairly decent job acting.

Absolutely everything else in the movie was undeniable crap though.

It was cut with a spoon, and put back together using chewing gum or something. You went from scene 1 with (extremely annoying) background music playing, to a silent shot of some scenery. No fading out the sounds here, instead they chop it off mid-tone. I lost count of the amount of times there was a crackle or pop when they put 2 scenes together.

The assembled corpses looked okay, but then someone would stand over one and work it over with an axe, getting blood sprayed into him from the side. Come on people, stuff like that isn't rocket science.

The lighting sucked in that oftentimes you couldn't see anything, but even more often everything was way, WAAY too bright, having the same end result.

The dialog, notably absent for the first 5 minutes of the film, was stupid and (st)uttered completely unconvincing. The redneck with Down's syndrome accents of the twins didn't help either.

This movie also has a rather large abundance of walking, sleeping, running, sitting doing nothing, reading the damn newspaper (and not noticing anything to help the story along), awkward silences and more, equally enjoyable filler.

The guy handling the camera seemed to be having Parkingsons disease or something. They couldn't even take a shot of the moon without shaking the camera!

To round it all off, they decided to add a (gasp) plot twist (!) at the end of the movie. If only the creative genius that dreamed that one up had been able to stay focused during the other 90 minutes of the film...

That this movie got a 3.7 here is a miracle in itself, and it's certainly undeserved. The fact that it's a home-movie doesn't excuse it from being the crap that it is.

This movie isn't fun, shocking, entertaining or gruesome. It's a dull, slow, boring, fake, cheap dog of a movie, and your time would be better spent watching paint dry.

Do not believe the raving and ranting about this one, you will not find it shocking, or gross, or 'nauseating' as some other reviewers would have you believe. Once again we have a terminally boring and dumb oddity that no one has seen, and those that have feel privileged for some odd reason and thus, obligated to hype it up into something its not even close to being.

"F'ed up" and "sickenly far" are phrases some reviewer chose to use to describe Splatter Farm. Needless to say, that made me laugh almost as hard as the movie did! THERE IS NOTHING SICK OR SHOCKING IN THIS FILM. ITS ALL JUST WORDS. Sure there's some blood and gore, but when an entire movie comes of like a goof, how on earth can it be shocking? For example, the animal cruelty scene (token for any exploiter) shows man lifting hammer, cut to closeup of horse, cut to hammer being lifted, cut to closeup of horse, cut to horse naying and running away...yes folks, ready those pacemakers and prepare for the shock!

Or howabout the incest scene with the aunt and the nephew, here's how it goes.

Aunt: I'm feeling lonely, I drugged your drink. Cut to someone sitting on bed with a big sheet over them, bouncing up and down for 3 seconds (that is supposed to be the aunt and nephew doing it under the covers). End scene. And yes, thats as disturbing as this stinker gets. Every "shock" in this flick is poorly executed and lifted from either Nekromantik or Island of Death (others I'm sure) and just comes of as ineffective and funny(!), the type of reaction you shouldn't have.

The only thing more perplexing than the oh so "sick and twisted...I love it" kids praising moronic movies like this are the detractors condemning them for being so filthy and disgusting (eg. Cannibal Holocaust), anyone that enjoys it must need help. I mean I just don't get it. Like most exploiters, nothing comes off as genuine and is usually badly handled so why bother making a fuss? Anyway, if you're looking for shocks or hell, even just a fun time, don't be mislead. This one doesn't deliver the goods at all, fan of exploitation cinema or not.

You know how people joke about The Blair Witch Project being a dull do-it-yourself home movie? Well, Splatter Farm makes that movie look like Citizen Kane! Yes, I had the misfortune of actually renting this movie years ago and it was so bad it actually has become a running joke with my family. If we see a lousy movie we compare it to this one! Honestly, I can't believe it's even on this website. According to my video store, they get home movies like this every once and a while and sometimes they slip through the cracks and get on the shelf.

Don't be tricked by the other posters who see like they were probably some of the people who were in the movie, this movie had no story, no quality acting, no quality effects: IT WAS A HOME MOVIE.

I just received the twentieth anniversary edition two disc set of Splatter Farm from www.regalstudios.com. Wow! This is one of the most entertaining DVD sets I've ever received and I've purchased a lot of indie films over the years.

I won't go into all the details of the set but if your a Splatter Farm fan you have to get this. It's got a new version of the film with a new soundtrack plus a new documentary with the cast and it's even signed by Todd Michael Smith who played Jeremy! Whats more the two disc set is just as insane and fun as the movie itself.

Splatter farm now and forever!!

Bickering and obnoxious twin brothers Alan (the terrible Mark Polonia) and Joseph (the equally awful John Polonia) spend the summer at a remote Pennsylvania farm with lonely and shrewish widow Aunt Lacey (the supremely annoying Marion Costly). The brothers run afoul of deranged farm hand Jeremy (deliciously played to the sneering creepy hilt by Todd Smith), who turns out to be a vicious killer who not only eats the corpses of his victims, but also has sex with them as well (gross!). Boy, does this hilariously horrendous amateur home movie horror opus possess all the so-utterly-wrong-that-they're-paradoxically-right schlock picture stuff to qualify as a real four-star stinkeroonie: we've got pathetic acting from a game no-name cast, dreadful dialogue (favorite line: "I hate to spoil lunch, but I got to take a s**t"), a slight meandering plot, an irritating droning synthesizer score, a plodding pace, crass humor, cruddy, ugly and smudgy shot-on-video cinematography, and plenty of cheesy gore (the blood looks like fruit punch -- and probably was exactly that!). Better still, this terrifically twisted treat serves as a veritable catalog of revolting depravity: there's cannibalism, necrophilia, self-mutilation, foul homosexual rape, and, best of all, even incestuous statutory rape (this latter part deserves bonus points because it's an old lady doing just what you think with a much younger man!). The last third of this flick is shockingly sick, strange and flat-out unnerving. A jaw-dropping ghastly marvel.

One of the best uses of chocolate pudding I've ever seen! There's nothing better than Grandma's cookies except maybe actually getting Grandma. These boys really know how to entertain, the twins will knock you into orbit with their astoundingly delivered dialog.

As homemade horror cinema goes, the S.O.V. (standing for Shot On Video) "Splatter Farm" didn't quite reach the uproarious heights that this viewer would have liked. That's not to say that there aren't some very good laugh out loud moments, but they're spread a little thin. Even at a mere 70 minutes long, there is a LOT more padding here than plot. Still, sometimes the padding is amusing.

The slim story sees twin brothers (played by actors / editors / directors John and Mark Polonia) being sent to live with their Aunt Lacey (Marion Costly), who lives on a woodsy farm with a seriously demented farmhand named Jeremy (Todd Michael Smith, who also directed this thing with the Polonias). Jeremy's in the habit of slaughtering locals, and the brothers, concerned with the weird goings-on at this place, try to confront him about it.

Suffice it to say, this kind of thing isn't for everybody. One has to be willing to tolerate very amateurish (if undeniably hilarious) acting, limp pacing, and thin writing in order to get into the spirit of it. The good thing, though, is that there are little flashes of brilliance here and there, and the movie does do its job of living up to its title. This truly is a "splatter farm". The bargain basement gore is very endearing - in fact, it's the most enjoyable aspect of the whole thing. The music by John Rayl is actually one thing that's not too bad, although it does get repetitive. The nutty old lady is quite a hoot, especially the way she's very forward with her affections.

What truly makes the movie worth sitting through is its depraved climax in which Joseph (John P.) is tortured by Jeremy. After this there's an absolutely hysterical climax with somebody getting blown up REAL good.

In the end, even though there's a lot of plodding going on, there is something that's appealing in seeing non-professional filmmakers put something together; unlike a lot of Hollywood product, there's a genuine HEART to be found in these tiny productions. That's nothing to be laughed at.

Six out of 10.

This is another scummy shot on video feature resurrected for DVD that plays on what other more marketable movies of the '80s were too afraid or weren't aloud to show due to moral crusaders at the MPAA. It's a simple film that doesn't have layers and since '87 the shock has been more effectively exploited. At the gory heart of it, "Splatter Farm" plays on taboos: thrill kills, mutilation of the dead, same sex acts with the dead, collecting dead parts, cannibalism, coprophilia, self-mutilation, animal slaughter, flagrant masturbation and, last but not least, incestuous overtones. As amateur and sometimes clumsily put together as it is, it's going to play on a viewer's nerves one way or another.

This truly is a DIY affair with only four main actors who did just about everything else behind the scenes also. Two of them are twins who are visiting their elderly aunt and late teens cousin on an isolated farm for their summer vacation. Their cousin is a make-up wearing sociopath who has no one to stop him from giving in to his sadistic urges. The movie started out pretty unsettling and strange with more focus on the demented cousin with too much time on his hands. As it progressed, it started to give the audience a break and lean towards the level-headed twins who are getting suspicious and attempting to put it all together. The aunt is caught in the middle and starts to make excuses either from blind motherly love or something of her own to hide.

As terrible as the production values go--including fake bodies that wouldn't fool the near-sighted even without their specs--this is unsettling in the dark ideas it brings to the chopping table. This gets right down to the nitty gritty of amoral without hesitation and with the help of the video quality makes you think there could be a case somewhere like this as out there as it is. Instead of lazily stomping on a synthesizer, the music helps stir up some mood by treating certain scenes with piano melodies and other abstract sounds. "Splatter Farm" had a number of flaws, but underneath the atrocious film quality this has what other underground and even mainstream horror films miss out on from time to time: a little bit of genuine creepiness. It could have faired better with a bigger budget and more time but all and all it's worth a single watch if that's your cup of bitter tea, otherwise the movie is more than likely going to be horrendous if you're only used to horror on a bigger scale. (Also submitted on http://fromblacktoredfilmreviews.blogspot.com/)

First off, if you don't LOVE low-budget cinema, then don't even think about it. Even if you do, be cautious. Recently, I came across quite the homemade disasterpiece that you very well may not be ready for. If you're not at all familiar with the s.o.v. revolution of the 80's (Cannibal Campout, Blood Lake), then chances are high you won't know what the hell to think of this one. Actually, I have an entire collection of terrible Horror movies, which were shot on video, and I still have no idea what to think. This completely uncalled for home video was created by the Polonia brothers. A couple of scrawny, odd-looking twins, with sad little mustaches, who either really love Horror, or really, really hate it. What makes Splatter farm hilarious, and totally watchable is the fact that the little mustached gippers are the stars of the movie. Wait till you get a load of these guys. So, anyway, in Splatter Farm, the brothers Polonia pack up their mustaches, thick-lensed glasses and short shorts, and take it to the country, for the summer, to stay with their elderly aunt Lacey, and psychotic cousin Jeremy. The aunt despises one of the twins, seemingly, for no reason, but wants to get it on with the other. All of this is established long before things get weird. Soon enough, Jeremy makes sure things get real weird, with the brutal killings and whatnot. And of course, the Polonia's make sure the massive amounts of gore is as fake, and watery-looking as possible.

LOL... Sweet Jesus. I swear, these low-budget Horror flicks can't be good for the IQ. This one, especially. Already considering everything I know, and everything that is painfully obvious about this movie, the fact that the theme of incest is also being toyed with, simply makes Splatter Farm all the more priceless. But it's not all incest and watery gore. Splatter Farm offers several scenes involving extreme brutality. Some things I've never even seen before. Some things that couldn't possibly be explained on IMDb. What surprises me the most is that the mustache twins continued their quest for true s.o.v. excellence, throughout the next couple decades. Think of me what you will, but I'm totally gonna have to make it my business to check out more of these Polonia efforts in the very near future. What can I say? I love this stuff. 8/10

"Splatter Farm" is a mildly entertaining offer if it's interesting.

**SPOILERS**

Off on summer vacation, twins Alan, (Mark Polonia) and Joseph, (John Polonia) decide to take a trip out to see their Aunt Lacey, (Marion Costly) on her farm. While there, they meet up with her new farmhand assistant Jeremy, (Todd Rimatti) and they immediately begin to suspect something is wrong with him. As they spend more time on the ranch, his actions become even weirder and it worries them even more. While out in the nearby woods one day, they find that he's a psychotic killer responsible for killing and dismembering his victims in gruesome fashion. Realizing that it's not safe anywhere on the ranch, they try to get out before they become victims of his wrath as well.

The Good News: Frankly, it isn't bad if you're interested in that sort of thing. The fact that it might not be realistic in any manner or form doesn't mean that it isn't gory. There's a decapitation, a scythe impaled in the back, a shotgun blast to the head, a complete and utter dismembering that results in the body being hacked up beyond recognition and the head slashed to a pulp with an ax, another being tortured with all sorts of different tools and equipment as well as being blown to pieces from a firecracker impaled into the body through a corncob holder. These don't bear any sort of realism, though, and are quite bad, but still the thought that it's quite bloody and gory isn't all that bad. The main torture sequence is actually rather decent, using a variety of different methods not previously seen, including being smeared with dirt, stripped naked and then urinated on, whipped and slapped as well being impaled with a pitchfork. The scene is long, intense and comes the closest the film gets towards real horror. Unfortunately, these are the only things that the film provides which are any good.

The Bad News: Frankly, this one is really only faulty for a couple of reasons, and none are more so than it's screamingly low-budget. Almost everything in here is so obviously done on the cheap that it eventually gets tiresome. From the mannequins used to duplicate the bodies for the damage to the models of body parts used for the severed limbs as well as the painfully obvious non-body used for the opening disemboweling and dismembering, these are just way too fake to be taken seriously. Even the blood on display is too fake, going with the too lightly colored-and-watery appearance most of the time or using the old watered-down ketchup route to imitate blood, and both results are about as obvious as the dummy's head used for the decapitation scene. From the cheap-looking set, obviously done at a real live farm out in the woods since there's no way it can be that cheap without being realistic, to the fact that it's so closed-off and limiting, this one is easily cheap and discomforting. That is what causes this one to be lower than it should.

The Final Verdict: So obviously low-budget at the expense of it's own sake, this one doesn't really do a whole lot. Only the most hardcore, low-budget, shot-on-video fans would get anything out of this one, while just about everyone else should ignore and avoid this one.

Rated R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language and Brief Nudity

"Splatter Farm" is a low-budget, "cult classic" Splatter film about two boys sent to their Aunt's for vacation. But this vacation goes wrong when they found out the handyman around the farm is a psycho killer.

That's the plot. No twist, no suspense, just people dying. I'm a fan movies were a lot of people die, but I like suspense, and a twist ending, and hell, A PLOT! The only shred of plot was about the aunt's husband being murdered, and how she tricked the handyman into thinking he did it. Yup, it's that lame. This is obviously suppose to be a "made for splatter fans by splatter fans", but there is hardly any gore. And the gore is incredibly dull and cheap. Why this movie gets a bad rep. for being sick and twisted is beyond me. Even worse than the plot and the gore is the acting, as in there is no acting. The characters just say lines in a robotic, monotone voice without any emotion. Even the big "shock" of the movie was delivered in a monotone voice (the shock is it was the aunt who killed her husband).

Avoid at all cost, not worth watching at all.

Author's Note: I sat through this miserable excuse of a movie 3 or 4 years ago and I recently saw it again (it's just as bad as I remembered) for the sole purpose of giving it the review it so justly deserves. Oh and I didn't pay/waste money on this rubbish either time.

Boy, no one else can bring charm, charisma and ability to the screen quite like the Polonia brothers do (groan) in their impossibly low-budget "cult classic" horror film, Splatter Farm. Reportedly made for (and I'm not joking) $100 and was shot directly to video-tape (VHS), by what had to be some pretty primitive A/V gear. Just keep those two facts in mind a "hundred dollar budget and filmed on VHS cassette tapes" and IF you can believe it, there's actually a "producer" listed in the credits of this "hundred dollar movie". Moving on, I find Splatter Farm to be somewhat similar in plot to the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (a true cult classic) except without any of the talent or excitement and to say that their trifling efforts (that being Splatter Farm, of course) fall short of achieving any kind of "movie magic" is an understatement to the extreme.

Why is this? The reasons are many.

If I haven't already told you all you need to know and hopefully steered you clear of Splatter Farm, the list gets even longer from here - so let us continue. When the Polonia twins and their thin, scraggly, teen-mustaches made this wretchedly terrible movie in 1987, they where still teen-ager's and had basically no money and little, if any, experience in their craft (this is their first movie) and it certainly shows. When watching Splatter Farm it should take you less than a minute to realize just how cheap and amateurish this sad, sad movie is. Because it's an inescapable fact that every single one of it's odious, low-resolution frames, simply reeks of low-budget amateurism. From it's flawed amateurish acting to it's pitifully weak plot, involving two guys on vacation, that neither of them really wanted to take (to the home of some old, dumpy and unsavory woman who lives out in the boondocks, with her "handyman" Jeremy). To say that the majority of this film is "uninvolving" is putting it lightly and that's precisely why it's such a bore, candy-striping it with heavy amounts of degenerate Ed Gein-like visuals and sub-amateur gore effects illicit little in terms of Interest-Intrigue-or-Stimulation (many other movies have already used visuals like this and much better). Earlier I mentioned Jeremy the handyman, what's his story. Jeremy's the bad egg of the bunch, a despondent, maladjusted miscreant, with a habit of murdering both farm animals and people, he's also inbreed (thats where the "unsavory" part comes into play with regard to the old lady) and he quite simply has a head full of bad-wiring, which the Polonia twin's, our star actors/directors soon find out - fatally.

Quite simply this movie is Boring-Boring-Boring and it's only entertainment value revolves around it's dire level's ineptitude, such as the HORRENDOUS acting, it's cheap, blatantly fake-looking gore effects and the films non-existent production values. Let us briefly delve into those production values of this godly "cult classic". Now I covered the fact that it was filmed directly to video-tape, but just WHAT was it that amateur crew of "Polonia, Polonia and Smith" captured on their low-resolution video-tapes? Well, sadly, the core visuals primarily involve shots of a crappy, old, weather-beaten barn, the interior and exterior of a modest and unremarkable rural home, a couple of cars, an empty field, a spattering of forest shots, a few gravel roads and again, some of the worst gore effects ever seen in the "splatter film" genre (in some scenes the gushing streams of blood are -obviously- nothing more than someone just off-camera squirting fake blood from a plastic squeeze bottle). If the Polonia bros and their partner in crime, the ever distinguished, Mr. Todd Smith, were trying to put something scary together here, they failed. A much more capable film crew (Tobe Hooper or Wes Craven for instance), covering the very same material, could have made this a very entertaining slice of sadistic-backwoods-inbreed-hillbilly-axe-wielding-murder-and-mayhem. But that's NOT what we get here.

If you haven't already guessed, the cast for this movie is extremely small, only 4 people, 5 counting a murder victim out in the woods (the scene lasts for about a minute). None of them have much in the way of "acting chops" - most especially the old woman. Just listen to the diction of Mark and John Polonia (constantly squinting and drawing-out their words), which is at it's worst when their annoyed with a situation - which is pretty much the entire movie. I will say the old woman has a relatively amusing demise, but once again, lame gore effects certainly still apply.

Lastly, just look at the Polonia twins, talk about two guys who have NO business being in front of the camera. Constantly squinting these two scraggly, fur-lipped, mop-topped, wiry-framed, bespectacled, 90-pound weaklings, score only slightly more charismatic then the corpse's featured in their movie.

Generally speaking just about all movies, no matter how bad they are, are eventually televised, however, I'd be willing to bet Splatter Farm has never been "aired" or ever will be. But hey, at least it's not as bad as A Night To Dismember.