Barney Miller The Vests (1975–1982) Online

"The Vests" finds the squad room unenthusiastic about the new brand of bullet-proof vests, despite Levitt demonstrating the lighter model, easier to move about in. Inspector Luger, in his public relations capacity, wants background information on everyone at the 12th, and after a short interview with Dietrich winds up with enough material for a novel (Luger: "I asked you if you had any pets?" Dietrich: "ant farm!"). Don Calfa (sixth of seven) plays eccentric inventor Arthur Thompson, who wields a gun when his latest patent goes unanswered, for a machine called Tan Alert, which is supposed to determine the proper skin tone if it doesn't electrocute you first. Warren Munson (first of two) plays John Norvis, whose Inventrex company charges each client a fee of $2100 to 'market' each product...except that nothing ever hits the market. A city block is evacuated, as someone with two rifles has barricaded himself inside an apartment building. The dangerous assailant turns out to be little old lady Dorothy St. Clair (Alice Hirson), a recent resident from the local psychiatric center, wanted for non payment of rent, claiming to have a deer rifle and sawed off shotgun (Dorothy: "they threatened me!" Wojo: "what did you say you were gonna blow our heads off for?" Dorothy: "it seemed to me what you wanted to hear!"). This incident concludes with each member of the squad room permanently removing his vest, handing them over to the departing Levitt (Luger: "so, decided to live dangerously huh? Bully for you...that's the way to go...why if you put on those things, it's just the same as admitting to all that scum and killers out in the street that you're scared of 'em...that you'd rather hide behind some sissy little apron instead of going' down like a real cop!" Dietrich: "Levitt!").